I believe that humour is one of the things Nigerians naturally possess and has also been used as a coping mechanism. If not for banter and cruise, things would have really gone south. Of course, it’s not a substitute for proper therapy but the ability to just crack ourselves up somewhat keeps us sane with all the crazy things that are happening around us. For this country, problem no dey finish, so make you try dey enjoy. Valentine season was no different, it was pure vibes on vibes. For some, it was a time to unleash their cupid arrows. For others, it was a time to secure the bag. Then there are those of us who were just here for the drama. I am no OG on relationship matters but as a social scientist, I am a good observer of people’s behaviour and even better at describing such. The way we move at this time of the year is almost predictable: same signatures but different scenarios. So I just curated a not-so-serious list of the types of people that you typically find during Valentine and how they respond to the season.
Do you belong to any category? Have you met any of these people? Gimme some!
You No Show Love O!
These are the people that ghosted their lovers during Detty December because of IJGB, now dem wan come return to base. You think say you dey wise, now dem never leave you? Which one be “must be love on the brain?” Are you mad or something? Now they are begging for a second chance – set awon Don Pedro José Donoso. You been beg them but they no wan gree, dem even talk say you no be human being. They left you in the trenches, as you no get money dem say make you hide your face. Omo, make bad energy stay far away o. Anybody wey don zeh, forgive them but keep it moving before dem chop your eye again. No more damages – a word is enough for a wise comrade.
Ojuelegba Peter Drury
These ones can run commentary on other people’s booed up pictures for Africa! Any small thing they will type, “awwwwwnn”, “God am I your step-child?”, “Na where una dey find this kain true love sef?”, “couple goals”, “it’s the romance for me”, “somebody son go find me one day”, “na who go take me out bayi?” “What God cannot do does not exist”, “Wahalurr for person wey no get LOML”, “single life wey all of us dey manage, e reach your turn, una turn am to plural – comrade no be so dem dey do things.”
Nothing is really wrong with this sha but during this Valentine period, some people will carry your matter on their head as per online in-laws. E remain to sew aso-ebi because they have already planned your BellaNaija wedding in their heads.
Romeo and Juliet Pro Max
These ones no dey use ear hear Valentine. From the first day of February, they had started campaigning with love quotes everywhere. Some of them will be typing “daju” and “anamachikwanu” online but they are still simping and doing transfers offline; no let anybody carry you handicap for social media. Dem ready to fight Kung Fu for your case. They will give you their heart, love, body, money and every other thing you can think of, and their lovers cannot claim to forget about the 14th because every chat, call or visit must somehow be linked to love. On Valentine’s Day, they must wear something with a touch of red sha – burgundy red, crimson red, tomato red, maroon red, Manchester red, even red flag sef. They will use style and tell their partners what they find romantic and what their friends’ partners did for them. If you like, don’t take the cue, you will be excommunicated from the 15th if you don’t do the needful. Never say I didn’t give you the cheat code.
Breakfast In Bed
Guess who’s getting ex-ed? It’s on Valentine’s Day some people find out that they are not the main girl/guy – they were doing supporting cast all along. The worst thing is that these so-called lovers can be very romantic and find it easy to get you in your feelings, only to Shatta your heart like Wale – those Yoruba demons that only operate on night shift. What makes a person go from “you deserve a gentleman” to “thunder fire you” if no be breakfast?
When you see people from the 15th of February dropping motivational quotes like, “I’ve been losing friends and finding peace, honestly, that sounds like a fair trade to me”, “whatever you go through in this life, just know who you are”, “will always be a queen and more”, “these girls ain’t loyal”, “too many destiny stoppers on these streets”, “we muueeve!”, “that gender na scum”, “I am nobody’s ex”, “soldier come, soldier go but barracks remain” or “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” – just know say dem don chop better akara and ogi for breakfast for one low budget Tinder Swindler hand. Abeg, if you ever chop breakfast, try make you no post am online.
Giannis Antetokounmpo no do pass like this! These people shoot their shots every Valentine because relationship must happen by force and by fire. Small thing, they will start calling you “big head” if you’re a guy or “full option” if you’re a girl – comrade, no go loose guard o. They are not looking for love, they are looking for who is available while others are looking for someone they will give billing, for their mind you be JJC. These boys are bad, these girls are bad too – jokes apart. They just want to hit that home run, after which the game is over. Dem no dey tell person, run as fast as your two left legs can carry you before they chop your nkwobi on code.
CIA Lovers – On The Low
These ones will just be tensioning you pictures of exotic dates, they will never show you the face of the person they are going on a date with. You will just be seeing photos of food, gifts and shaking plenty things on a yacht. If they pity you small, they will show you just the hand of the person with the caption, “my baby be doing the most”. Usually, this can be because the person dey truly burst their brain and they want to protect that relationship from the streets, the person they are with is not ‘Instagrammable’, the person na somebody else’s lover and they are just working as contract staff, or everything na just fabu. Trust our investigative journalists na, we go still find out this kele kele love las las.
DM For Price; My Customers May Be On Your Timeline
These ones no send anybody, dey just wan sell their market for Valentine. You will see relationship coaches selling their books or courses like, “Ten Ways To Keep Your Lover”. Omo, I don’t know about you but I don’t believe anyone can be “snatched”, the only way to keep a lover is to be with a person who wants to be kept in the first place – you no fit ever see me dey fight over anybody. It’s almost impossible to expect loyalty from anyone who has proven time and time again that they belong to the streets. Then you have the ones that are selling performance-enhancing stuff who be like, “if you use this our product, you go sling pass Spiderman sotay you go find your way home!” Alaye, I no dey move that way, make I no go muzzle the ox that treads out my grain. Guess there are different strokes for different folks.
El Faya Straight!
To the comrades on Pulpit FC, peace be multiplied unto you – I greet you with no joy. My dear, I write with great sorrow in my heart to the unskilled amongst you for I reckon that they have passion but not according to knowledge. You know all these chief of staff to God, they believe that you must not even commemorate or celebrate anything pagan otherwise they will personally erase your name from the golden book. Since they are hell bent on breaking the yoke of love, do what you have to do quickly. Allowing yourself to be tossed by every wind of doctrine is not wise. This is 2022, stop outsourcing your thinking! And the people said, “e choke!” Selah.
Eau De Breathe, We Outside!
Bayo Omoboriowo dey learn work for where these people dey. Their sole aim for going on dates that day is to take good pictures and tension the timeline, so you must either take them to a shopping mall, fancy restaurant, cinemas or anywhere with good aesthetics. Their WhatsApp stories always look like ringworm with all the “his view vs her view” pictures – you sha must see their boo! Just make sure you have enough data on Val’s Day because you go view status update tire.
Love is Not Enough, Luckily Mo Lowo Ti Mofe Na
This is how sugar daddies and sugar mummies type in the DMs of your lover when they want to trigger release clause even when the transfer window has closed. You are just there loving your partner with the small 2k you have, then somebody will come from nowhere and start using their reggae to spoil your blues. They get 30 billi for you, plenty racks for you but dem just want to ‘dance’ with you pere. While badman is outchea looking good in Dior, these zaddies are dripping with dollars. You know those ones with some Lagbaja vibes, “omo, anything for me?” If you see your lover save a person’s number as ‘daddy’ or “uncle” but they can’t pick that call in your presence, just know say even your boo get a boo.
I just say make I give una some OT because the streets are so cold. Folks are outchea professing undying love yet killing their lovers for some dumb fetish stuff, stay sharp and keep your eyes peeled. If I ever loved you, I’ll always love you; that’s how I was raised. Which category do you belong? Don’t sha ask me what category I belong because I be Adam for this Garden of Eden. It is what it is.
Photo by Andres Ayrton from Pexels